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For One Moment of Love

Honoring Kiota's music:


The post title is from Nightwish's song:

"I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone...
Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside...
I'm going down
So frail and cruel;
Your touch my bliss..."

But nope, I don't need to wish at all. It's not one moment, but all of them. Or, one moment is lasting one eternity.

And how long is one eternity? "Guess I'll find out / When I get there..."

Learning To Fly.

(Nawwww, that's Tom Petty, not Ki.)

Isn't it?

Remembering Allison

May 4, 2017. Today.

May 4, 1970. Forty-seven years ago.

6438617_120829097678ALLISON KRAUSE.jpg

Allison Krause had been an honor student at Kent State University in Ohio, planning to finish up her freshman year and move on, she talked about opening an art gallery in Canada. With her Kent State boyfriend.

But she was shot by a sharpshooter in the Ohio National Guard, struck by a round piercing her chest and tumbling through her abdomen and causing fatal internal hemorrhages, struck as she was diving for cover behind a parked VW. DOA at the hospital, they couldn't control the bleeding.

The Guard killed three other unarmed students that day, shooting into the crowd of demonstrators protesting President Nixon's invasion of the neutral nation of Cambodia. During the Vietnam War.

Allison was a few days past her 19th birthday.

Nixon publicly was ordering an investigation at the same time he was on the phone to his AG John Mitchell, ordering him to cover up the identities of who shot those "bums". In whatever judicial investigations were organized.

So nobody was convicted for the murders. Not then, not 47 years later, right now.

Just as Kiota's life was ended so very early, so with Allison: never would we have any more healings, any more artistic creations, writings, photography, what have you -- from either one of them.

Allison had been working with mentally-impaired young people, trying to get them to communicate. With one great success.

Neil Young, a rather durable folk icon of the 60's and 70's, wrote in his song "Ohio":

"...This summer I hear the drumming,
Four dead in Ohio.
What if you knew her
And found her dead on the ground?
How can you run when you know?"

On the ground. In a dorm room. Yes, many years apart... Ki was born almost 20 years later than Kent State, 40 years later than Allison. But both were rebels.

On the ground, in a corner of a dorm room --- half a country apart, too.

They never met each other, did not know each other then.

But they do now.

Calamity's Child

David Bowie, 1974:

So what you wanna know, Calamity's Child?
Where you wanna go?
You can't get enough
But enough ain't the test
You've got your transmission and your live wire
And you've torn your dress
You're a juvenile success,
You want more
And you want it fast...
REBEL, REBEL, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so
Hot tramp, I love you so

Bowie in 1974 and Ki, right now: that IS a live wire. Full of power, shooting sparks, shooting stars. Bridges to stars.

Crossposting: http://kiota.livejournal.com/50536.html

October and April

The last full night I lived in Cambridge, I did a number of candle studies. The late Fall weather was unhappy, lots of wind and rain, took many tries before I got both candles to stay lighted long enough.

........... IMG_2416 wind candle reflections LJ.JPG

Both of them had been finished with metallic chips embedded in the shafts. Of course there's lots of symbolism... the shorter one is Kiota's, and it sits inside the box my telephoto lens for our Digital Rebel T5i came in. Its glossy board reflects a third candle image. And my Rebel picked it right up, I hadn't noticed that before...

I'd be boarding a plane the next day, taking off across the country to Olympia and Evergreen, with no firm idea where I'd be staying or what kind of med attention I'd be meeting with (lots less than I would be needing, it turned out).. but that night I was one with the passion of the wind and the waterfalls, and even made a backdrop out of a patient bag from MGH, where I'd spent dozens of days and nights in 2015 (with no 'literal' candles.)

Not that I didn't care. About the uncertainty.

But I was mainly relaxed, filled with comfort at not being alone at all.

I expected plenty of challenges to come in Washington State, and they have. And they keep on coming. But I don't face them alone, no way.

October and April. April 30 twenty-eight years ago is her birthday. April 13 nine years ago is her re-birthday. And in a different way, and certainly inside and outside a different world, October 3 last year was my own.

Candles in the rain. There will be fire longer than there will be Aprils. Or Octobers.

Crossposting: http://kiota.livejournal.com/50031.html

until the sky falls down over me

"I wanna stand with you on the mountain
I wanna walk with you on the sea
I wanna lie like this forever
Until the sky falls down over mee..."
"Ooh Baby do you know what that's worth?
Ooh Heaven is a place on earth
They say in Heaven, love comes first:
We'll make heaven a place on earth..."

With help from Belinda Carlisle and Savage Garden.

And Ki of course.

Crossposting: http://kiota.livejournal.com/49410.html

you're not a star

icon is an image from Ki, "Larissa surprised." One of her dorm building-mates.

"she looked like an angel" is a quote from Ki's crossPost.

No, you're not a star. You're many more than just one.

One of the things that happened in a couple months from now in 2008 --- the funds which paid for the trip you never took were sent overseas to Cambodia anyway, to help your kids. After I did that, your photography team director sent this photo back to me. It's four of the children you would have met and bonded with at the orphanage where you were volunteering....

Kiotas Cambodia Family

Each pair of them is related in some way, sisters or cousins.

April 18, 2008. Friday. Ten-thirty at your grave was three-thirty in the morning at the University of Vermont Med Center library, I was sitting alone at a table in the foyer keeping a vigil. For the first time --- of infinite times to come --- I felt you so close I wept.

April 18, 2017. Tuesday. Evergreen State College library. Three in the afternoon. Sitting here writing this post.

Your courage is nine years stronger now. Your guidance and help, too. Your presences.

Sometimes you might see me with another girl
Lookin' like I'm havin' fun...
Although she's cute, she's just a substitute, because
You're the permanent one.

=== sings Linda Ronstadt in "Tracks of my Tears".

Writing to Lois on April 16 nine years ago:
"In real life and in just parts of four days last week, she really moved into my heart. Where she will always stay."

Soyeah nine years isn't 'always', but it's a good start.

Writing on April 17, on this exact day nine years ago:
"We can keep connecting with Anna as much as we want and whenever we want, by opening ourselves to listen to her wherever she is now, over the bridge of love we have for her that can always keep her close and safe."

I could have written all that just yesterday. Since I feel the same ways now as then.

Clocks and calendars all melt. Some other things do not.

everyone heals in their own time

On campus. OSVPR messages everywhere. They say, part, "Everyone heals in their own time and their own way, and the path isn't always a straight line."

Well, no it isn't.

Sometimes it can even be, say, thirty-five thousand feet over Montana. Not a straight line, but a direction.


Crosspost from Ki:


Through each of us to one another.
The icon is from Holland, my first Christmas ever, across the pond in Europe, 2008. I created a group of photos of tree lights, which had been strung up to decorate branches along the street in one of the plazas not far from my home then. At Kerstmis, as the Dutch spell it.

CrossPosting toward Kiota:


'You're only dancing on this earth for a short while.' Looks even shorter when you get this far, waaaaaay far beyond 18, and you look back toward the past, toward the dancing, toward the tears. And, joys.

Words are from Cat Stevens.

The lighted "stars" remind me of her short story, "Too Late For The Stars".

There are many earths to dance on.

And across. And over.

you're the permanent one

...automatic weapons or not.

Meetingup again with Linda Ronstadt, she's only about seven years younger than mee, one of the most successful "chick-singers" --- that's how SHE puts it --- successful in the 70's and 80's, and still is now. Awards and platinum albums all over the place. Up into the hundreds of $millions in 2016 dollars. Did a bit of stage work, too. NYSF in Central Park, it wasn't free Shakespeare, it was free Gilbert & Sullivan. Now, she's retired in 2011 and dx with Parkinson's in Dec 2012... "can't sing a note."

Super covers. Last September, she and Emmylou Harris and Dolly released "The Complete Trio Collection", 41 tracks on three CDs. She might not be able to sing any note now, but they've digitally remastered their big hits and you can always go back.

CrossPosting from Ki:


This morning isn't the last morning at all. It's the first one of the next nine years. Or, of however many years.

Yep, lots of Ones... but you're the permanence in each of them. Your smile doesn't look out of place anymore. Whatever the place.

Blessings Be.