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I've really lost my heart to this place. 'Hartlos' is how I think they say it.

Imagine shopping in a grocery store where you don't know how to read Dutch with any precision but you've always been able to read images. Two guys behind me pronounced the words on that little grocery-separation plastic rod thingie you put between customers. They were giving me a lesson in Dutch phonics. It was in Albert Meijn, a big food chain over here. IJ is pronounced like Y in English. Albert Mine.

People ask me silly questions about "Where are you from? When are you going home?" Well ... I sold my house and I am not 'from' anywhere except my bag, and home is where I drop it! That seems to startle the crap out of people.

But home is going to be Holland.

Anyway this post is not about where home is. It's about Kiota.

Kiota's lights were not all bright and brilliant. Some were dark red. Blood red.

She had a tenuous blast in the red-light district here. Where I traveled around this afternoon.

Those close to her, or who paid careful attention to her LJ, know that she joined a prostitution outcall ring in Israel, and she also worked for a month plus, as a professional dominatrix in a Bondage and Discipline, Sado-Masochistic sex parlor in or near Tel-Aviv. BDSM for short.

Not really a 'professional', a novice --- but her colleagues were teaching her. Some of whom have LJ's, too. Hard to escape the conclusion that she was a little sex toy for women who made their living as sex toys. Is that bad? Well, you need to draw your own conclusions. Did this help her heal in any way?

Well, if it did, that did not last very long ......

It was a very sad time in her life. It was a sad time in our lives, those of us who loved / love her. She was 15 / 16 at the time.

She performed sex services for johns because she hoped that at one time or another she would run into a pimp who would make all the decisions for her and make sure she was used up sexually and then she / he / they / would destroy her, kill her and throw her into a gutter somewhere "where nobody would find me for a week.". Or "I would get into the wrong car sometime" and a psycho customer would do the job. She posted about all of this, right here.

She loved the BDSM club because "I actually have FRIENDS now" and her job lasted a month until she was fired. Apparently this was because she could not keep a date with a customer at the shop [sleeping off drugs] and she was scheduled to open it for him and the customer was pissed and made a lot of noise to her bosses.

She went into --- what was for me, anyway --- excruciating detail about how her "Friends Now" tied her down to tables and spreadeagled her onto Catherine Wheels and tortured her and aroused her.

If you are not familiar with these words, google them.

If you read any of the med lit about the fallout from being a child sexual attack victim you will understand that all of this behavior is completely logical.

So why dwell on it again?

Because it's very basic:

You cannot possibly understand what Kiota achieved and how she was able --- now and then, and all too briefly --- to carry a bright candle to others, if you have no comprehension of her darknesses. And how many of them there were. And how deep they were, too.

The light she bore to others was very bright, too. The moderators on TeenHelp will attest to that. They loved her and they were the last professionals she talked to, for hours actually, on each of the last two nights of her life. They wrote me about it. Confidentially.

Red Light District and the light of Vermeeer in the same day. Not on any tour schedule I know. But this one is mine alone. I only need one guide and I have her.

I always said that you cannot love part of a person and throw away the parts you do not like. That demeans both her and you.

It does *not* mean that you agree with everything she ever did, or that you are going to suggest that to others, or that you are going to do it yourself.

And if my journeys in Israel and Holland have taught me anything, it is absolutely that. Acceptance.

In sharper and sharper relief.

The Kiota I knew then and the girl she has grown into are only mine. You have your own Kiota according to how you let her touch you, and vice versa. Some of us have a lot of scars from it all. Whether in real life, cyberspace, or a combination. I feel those scars also.

The fact that I also feel and see her light so keenly does not mean I ignore the darkness she brought me.

Exactly the opposite.

Contrast is everything.

Blessings Be.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:35 am (UTC)
Wow. Thanks for sharing. Kiota was actually what is called a "switch", enjoying both dom and sub roles. My impression is that trust was the big issue, and she delighted in being trusted when her partner was helpless, and when she was, -- trusted that her / their rules would be followed. Strictly!
Sep. 20th, 2008 11:35 am (UTC)
Also: I'm trusting that you are looking for that piece back in NY safely and slowly and carefully.
Sep. 17th, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
Somehow I sense this is one of the most important things -- to you -- that you've posted so far, Brad. I think in some ways it is all about the contrast for you. You know I intuitively understand what you are talking about here. But somehow, I believe THIS, more than anything, has touched you deep in your soul and profoundly affected your own worldview.

Is that correct?
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:35 am (UTC)
It sure is.
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:40 am (UTC)
*warm snuggles*
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:50 am (UTC)
awwwwwww ... priceless pussykitties!
Sep. 20th, 2008 04:42 am (UTC)
Yup. :)
Sep. 17th, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
I haven't commented much on these posts, but now I feel a need to.

Thank you for sharing all this, and bringing her back. Even if only in momentary glances.
Sep. 17th, 2008 09:44 pm (UTC)
I completely agree. It's so refreshing to meet someone who believes strongly in transcendence, and not only preaches it but makes others feel its reality. Thank you.
Sep. 19th, 2008 09:24 am (UTC)
Thanks, Emerald. I hope I'm not sounding like I'm preaching in the bad sense of shouting someone down.

At times [like right now] it feels like she and I continue on our journey together because there is a whole lot more I can explore and enjoy. Like visiting her school and her street and her campus and her dreams.

Dreams that are everywhere now, you don't need an airline ticket or a passport. Your love for her is more than enough. And that's all inside. In another dimension of sharing....
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:36 am (UTC)
Some pain to write this, let me tell you. But you know.
Sep. 17th, 2008 11:51 pm (UTC)
Wow. I have so much to think about after reading this post. Your posts usually do that to me anyway, but this one is filled with so much. You put your heart into your words. I like that. NO. I love that. :)
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:51 am (UTC)
Sep. 19th, 2008 09:40 am (UTC)
Besides, Alicia: you too know all about putting your heart into your words. And I love yours too <3
Sep. 19th, 2008 01:21 am (UTC)
You are so right about her. Everything you've written here about her is truth.

I miss even her darkness because we shared the same darkness, though I didn't dare travel as deeply into mine as she did hers. I understood her darkness & honestly, if I had never met her, I would have been traveling the same path that she did prior to her leaving for college. She is the reason that I am now sitting on the right side of the handcuffs (no BDSM implied).

This makes me so nostalgic. I miss her so much.
Sep. 19th, 2008 09:19 am (UTC)
As a former police officer, I can relate! Although I never actually carried handcuffs, just intercom / radio packs, because my job was [supposed to be] low risk. [It wasn't.] I was on closed-circuit cam all the time, too. As they were.

One of the contrasts, a really basic one I haven't talked about, is that I never had been a tutor to anyone who shared her history with me, like she did. Of course she shared herself with, what, 400+ Friends here? So that hardly made me special.

Now maybe some of my students did have some of that history, but we never communicated about it. I originally came into Anna's life first merely as a customer of her art photos, and rather quickly became a supporter of her emotionally, because that was what I'd been trained to do as a crisis center volunteer [just never before, online.] And because my first print order came right between two of her suicide 'attempts', all in the same month.

It's because I don't have any body-knowledge of being either a victim or a perpetrator of sexual attacks, and so many of us here do, that I doubted whether I would have anything to offer anyone that would help or be of any comfort.

So I'm just here. And I guess that here and there I've been proved wrong :)

And I'm very humbled by what everyone is writing to me. I suppose that I am humbled by everyting I *don't* hear from you also. One of the freedoms of LJ is that you can still be here and be silent. We all make choices .....

Any teacher or tutor will tell you that in education you work with a *whole* person, not just part of their brain. Or their heart. Or where they live. Or their history, either.

You work with everything, all of it, as far as you're allowed.

I also do not have any idea why Kiota allowed me into her life as much as she did, 200+ personal Emails and those four days at school. And keeping me there, too: poking at me to open my own LJ as she did a year ago. When she wants to, she can poke pretty hard.

Guess I can't tell you adequately --- how much excitement it was on April 8 to meet face to face. But it was, for us both. Our first webcam had only been a month earlier, when I bought my new laptop, and up to that point I had really been a webcam virgin, and she said she would take care of that very fast. And she did!

I was excited partly because I had expected that by April 8 there was a better than even chance she would be dropped out or already dead. Judging from her early April posts.

So I am incredibly enriched by it all, as you are too, each of us in our own ways. For me it is still going on. Each minute. As I'm typing this, even!

Blessings Be.
Sep. 19th, 2008 03:33 am (UTC)
I had forgotten about all of that until you posted this. I read those journal entries.

Thank you for helping us remember her.
Sep. 19th, 2008 09:31 am (UTC)
Remembering is all a part of the beautiful rainbow she was. And IS. And you know.

Rainbows are most vivid and tug at your heart when they appear against and before a black sky of storms...

There are such things as rainbow bridges, too.

Sometimes I feel that we are all traveling on it. And dancing.
Sep. 28th, 2008 01:56 am (UTC)
I should've added you back sooner, eh?
Thanks for sharing. (: Sorry about the late comment.
Sep. 28th, 2008 07:42 am (UTC)
Nah, don't apologize, K. Just PM'd you in your LJ box.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )


kiota too late for the stars
Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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