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Scorn

So Kiota is leading me through all these new lessons. I don't have to think any longer about what being ignored or marginalized does to you. It's a large part of my daily life here.

Mainly because I'm a white American in the Arabic quarter, but for lots of other reasons too. It's very weird, for example, to be in a place where the only thing you can understand is bus numbers: Hebrew or Arab signs everywhere. English street signs, yes, but that depends if you have an accurate, updated street map. 2006 and 2007 don't cut it.

So the transliteration is:

You're a student from Israel among 18 / 19 - year - olds who have mostly all come through twelve years of the American educational system. With all the social craptastics and glories that come along with it. You have not spent five minutes in that system.

You're bilingual in Hebrew and English. Nobody else is.

You are shorter than almost everyone else there, about the size of an American ninth-grader [that's four years ago for most of those you sit in class with.]

You're lesbian. Almost nobody else is [that's forwardly out about it.]

You have a history of inpatient psychiatric residence together with suicide ideation. Nobody else you find there has that.

Your arms and legs are a mass of scars, fresh ones and 'keloids', unlike almost everyone else.
You have such a deep wound you carved down into your breastbone that it will never heal....there for years already. Singular.

By the time you get there, you have run up hundreds of hours on the net. So have your fellow students, but they also have a big set of real-life friends back in their high schools and now on campus, whom they know in addition to online cavortings. You do not.

Your Chief Psychiatrist in your Psych Hosp in Israel "gave up on me." None of your pdocs after that have done A SINGLE THING constructive, in the long-term, to help you. No one on campus matches that.

What all of these things add up to is -- it makes you more isolated than ever. You're in a cave.

"I don't think I was ever as alone as I am now." That's with less than a single day left in your life / your pain.

When you were 13 you wrote about your mind being something that you can take away and go inside your body with and curl up and lock the door behind, forever. Prescient.

Eternity opens in its own good time, and it did. On 13th April. Right at this icon.

========

I'm currently reminded of several poems by Jim Morrison [died 1971.] This is one:

People are strange
when you're a stranger
faces look ugly
when you're alone.
Women seem wicked
when you're unwanted
streets are uneven
when you're down.

When you're strange
faces come out of the rain
when you're strange:

When you're strange
no one remembers your name
when you're strange, when you're strange.

....five to one, one in five,
no one here gets out alive.
Well the men don't know, but the little girl understands.

=======

The sun might be shining brightly irl but what you are seeing / feeling is rain and strange faces.

And the thing that really sticks in my mind and heart, after all my med left-brain research on the end of her life that I did last April and May, is this one saying I found, from another inpatient to an American researcher:

"I don't commit suicide to destroy myself. I do it to put myself back together again."

And why is this forever fresh to me?

She's making sure it is. She was right there when I found it, a continent away.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
elvenforever
Aug. 30th, 2008 07:51 am (UTC)
*hugs and quiet thoughts*
silverplate88
Aug. 30th, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Amy. You rock, as usual. Especially when your thoughts come up and quietly hug me.
naatz
Aug. 30th, 2008 01:25 pm (UTC)
Question!
When are you going back to the US?

|Meduza|
silverplate88
Aug. 30th, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Answer: whenever I can get through all the IDF checkpoints?

It *was* gonna be 8th September but I'm delaying it. Want to hit TA, Palestine [the refugee camp-theatre, of course], Haifa, and Amsterdam, and Yad Vashem again, before I leave -- on the simple theory that if I'm over here already, it's gonna cost a lot more to go back to the US and repeat. Besides, I'm essentially homeless at this point and there really isn't any reason I can't live anywhere I want to [that doesn't turn my stomach.]

So it's possible I won't go back to the US at all, anytime soon!! Except I don't wanna stand Amy and Sean up --- we have a talk date coming up soon --- and I lurve me my Colorado Rockies [the USA mountain range, not the sports team haha]

Jerusalem is probably out, despite all these seriously dedicated cute IDF troopers I'm watching do their ... umm ... strategic planning with one another. Studying military tactics was never this much fun before, let me tell you.

I know this is not much of an answer for a precise military mind [that's a compliment, N ! lol] but that's the best I got right nowwwwww :P
naatz
Aug. 30th, 2008 04:37 pm (UTC)
Heh. If you want me to come along when you're in the coastal line/Haifa {even Jerusalem, though I really don't think I should be walking in the Arab part nor do I want to go to Yad Vashem}, gimme a call. I should be free to join you anytime~

|Meduza|
silverplate88
Aug. 30th, 2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
WOW, N., really? *dies*

No, fuck the Arab part, I've had enough of that to last a lifetime or two or three.

I thought you were becoming this star student somewhere in Jerusalem soonish?

I'd sure give you a call if I had your number. I'll show you mine if you show me yours [military tactics? lol] You can PM me through my LJ box or Gmail me at brad28@gmail.com

I'd love to do something in Haifa. A few days ago Hezbollah has warned of more dire destruction, and El Al has tightened up their security so I think I'm safer hiding under some Haifa buildings [which they rocket-wrecked last time] with you, rather than flying off to the friendly skies of Russian-made missiles out of Beirut.

Yay!

Are you gonna wear your orange beret?
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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kiota too late for the stars
silverplate88
Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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