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where WERE they?

At one point there were five or six people intimately connected in this living space. Four or five plus Ki. People who lived there and boyfriends / girlfriends.

It was a transitional weekend: one official roommate leaving for New York, another official roommate coming in, who already was there ahead of time with her unofficial bf. Her name was *Shery and Ki warned me if I heard strange noises at 3 AM "the bed squeaks". Ki was a little wistful. Shery's room door was directly opposite Ki's, a distance of about 1.5 meters [told you the corridor was very narrow, two people could not pass at the same time.]

The one leaving was *Diane, whom Ki always complained about being a super bitch to her. I saw absolutely nothing of that when I was there, Ki assured me that Diane was putting on an act for me.

Then there was *Ross. Ross is gay and had been kicked out of his dorm room in another building by his straight roomies. This was the previous Fall. Ki was insistent about admitting him to live there with their overstuffed group. When the new academic quarter started, Ross got his own room next to Ki.

The afternoon faded; I left; then that night there was a farewell party for Diane. Ki was specifically ignored and not invited except to be asked to wash dishes beforehand. She posted bitterly about it, commenting that "I don't know why they treat me like I don't exist."

I can understand any freshman being afraid of Ki. Because of her attempt five months earlier which had brought the cops up there certainly once and probably twice. So if you're really bothered about it, you move the hell out, that's what you do.

However, if you don't know you have a suicidal roommate you do not belong in college at all and you are sticking your head in the sand. If you CHOOSE not to know, well, that's entirely another thing.

The thing that's bothered all of us out here is why it took so long to discover what Ki had done to herself. 24 hours plus?

How could they not have heard ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING? ... is my big point. Selective Deafness Graduate School. How completely wonderful.

There's just no distance in that submarine, people. You gotta walk by someone washing if you want the toilet or the shower, they're right in your way.

All indications are that nothing could have saved Ki this time in terms of speed. It's almost completely certain that she used multiple methods to assure that she would not wake up in some hospital again, helpless, in restraints. She would not wake up at all.

However.

I've concluded from all of this that the emotional distance of her roommates, in so tiny a "shared" space, was hurting Ki day after day week after week, just as she said it was. And they knew it. And I hold Ross especially guilty of not helping more, or any. Sure he has his own issues. As I write this, however, he's alive and she's not. In fact, they all are.

Well, good for each one of them. I hope they choke on it. Pray the Goddess that I NEVER need any of their help. I know just what I'll get.

::: ::: :::

It feels a little weird right now because I'm signing off LJ in the middle of the night too, like she did. My laptop and I are parting tomorrow in Boston for my big European adventure, specifically Israel, specifically Anna's gravesite and her hometown. It's a sad way to visit Europe for the very first time in my life, but there will be light to feel and share there too. I'm sure I won't be alone.

But if there's too much darkness for me, I'll just move the hell out. Take my own advice. Go off and party like crazy in Rome or Madrid.

Post lots when I get back. Some of you will be with me all the time.

Bye for now <3

Brad

Comments

silverplate88
Aug. 21st, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
That is just wonderful, Emerald. Please come by all you want and comment or not, as you will.

Lots of us, including me, didn't actually "know" Ki from the actual path she walked / stumbled, but we see parallels in our lives that ring thrue of at least echo.

Looking out over the whole Old City of Jerusalem from the top floor of my hostel, only a short distance from her resting place [which I haven't been to as of now], my major emotions are of peace and of being cared for a whole lot by her spirit and her presences. There's no frantic feeling at all, as there is [for everyone, really] when you're going through your first year of school.

Ki was not alone at the end, since she defined so much of her world as existing online, and the suicide counselor-colleagues she was with for hours were exactly the right people for her to share with. But if there's anyone who knows the limitations of that --- not having human hugs, cuddles, laughs, tears, bitching with, sipping tea with, shopping with --- it surely was Kiota. I was happy to stay completely connected to her for those four days, she taught me so much as we did all those human activites with each other.

That's what most destroys me at the end, of course: even ONE single real-life first-year student friend right there for her, in those ways --- she would even have settled for a single kind word form her roommmates... the result of that was simply being ignored --- "they treat me like I don't exist" ---or any words coming from them were angry ones.

So I am glad for these feelings of peace and caring and I hope everyone reading this will share in them coming from me, as you will. *Through* me is really a much better way to put it.
silverplate88
Aug. 21st, 2008 07:26 pm (UTC)
*that ring true or at least echo*.

this keyboard likes Hebrew and Palestinian much more than English [hostel internet cafe atm, sorry :)]

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kiota too late for the stars
silverplate88
Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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