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evergreen closure

So I've just spent most of today on campus. First time since April. This time it's been wonderful and peaceful and very very safe. Last time it was .... well, frantic. And not safe for either of us.

Went most of the places we had gone together. Except that some stores are closed for the summer.
Walked on the same walkways. It felt positive and just generally great.

I'm typing this in the Evergreen libe now. At the same row of computers we used in the middle of the night, and even where I was on that last Friday afternoon when she came to pick me up and she was emotionally destroyed.

This visit could have been full of desperate tragedy again but it is exactly the opposite.

One reason is that I got to do some counseling, again sexual attack, this time a few differences. My cab driver [almost a total stranger but he's told me he thinks he drove me out here last April too] and his twin sister and a couple of other siblings were attacked by their father. He can't recall any memories before the age of eight. Someone prosecuted his dad, dad went to prison, got out, raped three more girls and boys. Dad's now back in prison in Michigan, scheduled to get out in 2009. They have no contact. *Charles told me that he has anger issues. His wife is afraid of what he will do to her father-in-law.

He wants to go back to Michigan next month for closure. His wife insists on coming along.

So all this was spontaneous. Totally unexpected. Just happened right there at the drop-off point across the Square from the libe. I mostly listened.

*Charles also told me it really helped to have me listen to his story and to hear why I was coming back to Evergreen now. Of course he is another reason why Ki wanted me back here too.

When I left him, I walked across Red Square again and looked for the bench in front of this libe I'm posting from now, where I'd called Ki to come get me from, at 10PM on April 8.

It wasn't there.

Evergreen tore it out. For some reason. Sometime between April 8 and today.

I'm not really surprised. Ki tells me our relationship these days is not about sitting at all.

Even though you can't hurry Eternity.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 16th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC)
I wonder if it means anything about me not having any solid memories from before I was 12. Heh. {I do have a few, but they're more knowledge than memories that I can feel something from}

Aug. 16th, 2008 02:00 pm (UTC)
Have no idea, especially about "solid memories". Ki posted about that too, in terms of her writing assignment for a short essay on a childhood memory for class....about essentially being able to remember clear details about only one thing.

But: there are lots of reasons for inability to remember, trauma is only one of them.

If you are curious enough to talk to a professional about that, well ... that could turn out to be a positive help, it could turn out to be something else, lots depends on the person you are now, as you've grown into who that is.

The main thing I think no one should ever forget is: who's driving the boat. Who hires a shrink and who dumps him / her. Does not even have to be a shrink, either: who is talked to about what, and how much, and when.

In your case, it's *you* driving the boat...
Aug. 16th, 2008 06:42 am (UTC)
My heart skipped a beat when I saw her icon.

I had to check the username & I saw it was you.

Then I remembered that she's gone...


Aug. 16th, 2008 07:39 am (UTC)
Brad, I have something to ask of you.
Could you please stop using Anna's icons? It's painful for me and probably for other people as well [see gothicotter's comment, for example]. It hurts because just like gothicotter said, it's a reminder. It jolts you so bad.
Besides, knowing Anna, she was very possessive of her icons and I feel I must voice that.
Aug. 16th, 2008 02:14 pm (UTC)
For Lois and Otter and, I guess, almost all of my Friends:

The one time Anna and I talked about icons [via PM] I was careful to ask permission about using some of her images and she granted that request. So I'm very aware of the possession business and I'm glad you reminded me again.

Without getting into the whole business of who "owns" iconic images and which ones are shared and which ones are not [and I realize that this varies widely with the users and creators and sharers]:

I do not want to hurt anyone or jolt anyone, especially anyone who is caring enough to share that with me. Especially those of you who come through my LJ to visit and comment and not comment.

So of course I will stop using "Anna's icons." I think it's selfish of me to pick what is in my icon gallery [like it is self-centered for everyone], and what images are not in my icon gallery, but far more selfish if I use ones that hurt others.

Of course it always was Anna's choice of whom to hurt and whom not to hurt. And she made that choice many times.

In my world, love is not about hurt. In the long run.

Eternity is not, either.

Thank you for sharing. Really.

What I really like about the original icon is the poem that comes with it. That's about death and renewal in the passages of seasons. Both of them, all four of them.

I know that it is what she liked about Autumn Whisperlings too.
Aug. 16th, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks =)
Aug. 16th, 2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
Besides, now that I am also an official Canon Digital Rebel too, I should damn well start putting some of my own up here!
Aug. 16th, 2008 05:40 pm (UTC)
Forgot to add that what helped with the peacefulness was the total lack of wind. That made the trees almost totally silent. It was hot (96F / 36C) but cooler in the shade...where I spent a lot of time atop the grass. The only time any breeze came up, a cool refreshing one, was across the walkway on the slope next to her dorm. Of course.

Almost total lack of students, too [a youth leadership conference was just ending.] Only two more weeks left and Summer Semester II will be over. Asian students still in the ESL institute padding slowly along.

One of them caught my attention because she started to walk directly toward me from a distance, as Kiota had for the first time.

Of course they were two different students: one was glued to her cellphone and eventually turned to the side, toward the walkway; the other was still playing with me.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


kiota too late for the stars
Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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