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cloud patterns

As I watched from the train platform there was quite a lesson in the sky.
Choppy clouds and hot sun.

The sun blasted out from behind one thunderhead against an electric blue sky before another cloud approached it. The sun dimmed as the cloud raced across, then cut a channel of light into the grey so you could clearly see the lighted circle, whose light gleamed even more brightly off the surrounding cumulus. It penetrated very very far into the dark.

At length the cloud patterns overtook it with their thicknesses; and it got dark.

But by the time the train came, it had plunged out the other side and was back. With more heat and light. Spilling all over the train and through the windows.

So: Evergreen again this week. In real life, not this allegory. Again, that will probably be there too.

Weather is strange on campus. As I surely found out. And will this time too.

One of the things Kiota was very interested in [among many] is how emotional experiences can actually change your brain structure physiologically. Her grandfather is a retired electronics engineer and and never heard of such a thing, so she sent him a book on it.

A couple of days ago there was a powerhouse panel on CNN: Dr. Candace Pert; Dean Radin, Ph.D., parapsychologist; Will Arndt, an engineer and filmmmaker; Fred Alan Wolf, who's written on the links between quantum physics and human consciousness -- and Judy Knight.

Knight says that thoughts completely matter: they train your brain to create your reality outside the brain. This reality can be positive or negative. Life-affirming or life-negating. Pert agreed that you can change the negative imapct of your emotional memories. The big problem is that most of us live in the "bad" past because of our memories of negative events.

Which we keep repeating. Over and over. The memories lead to new bad events. Vicious cycle.

Pert maintained that changing all this is as simple as telling yourself "I love and accept myself just as I am." Repeatedly. This helps create new neural networks that will reinforce this against pain. Wolf brings out a very simple idea from 1927:

On the microatomic level, you can either know what the nature of a particle is, or where it is, but not both. The Uncertainty Principle. The act of looking at something changes it.

This burned Einstein's toast bigtime, he famously said "God does not play dice", and had big trouble with all this, for awhile. But he saw that it explained so very much....

Objective science does not like imprecision. But objective science is far from the whole picture. For one thing, they tell us what the meaning of the word "imprecision" is, in the first place.

I'm sure that most people on the train platform just saw rainclouds. If they saw anything.
We were looking at the same sky, after all. Unless they were looking at timetables. Which, after all, won't tell you when the train will be there. It will only tell you when it's *supposed* to be there.....,also, according to your watch, which might or might not be accurate in terms of GMT-5.

Arndt is sure that people can fundamentally change. Or not. If you don't think you can, well, you won't.

A number of Friends are dicing around with change in their lives, right now.

I'm sure that nobody picked apart Kiota's brain afterwards with a scalpel. Plenty did while she was here, of course, with cutting words. Usually to criticize, sometimes very bitterly..... and the main person doing that was ... guess who?

What impressed me about Judy Knight was her aura, it came right through the cameras. VERY similar to Ki's the last hours I saw her in real life.

Judy's given over her ranch to meditation and classes about making these kinds of positive re-connections. It's in Yelm, Washington.

Where the hell is that?

So I looked it up.

Less than twenty miles East of campus, that's where. 32 km.

So has my trip already started, even though it's JetBlue [like last time] and not a train at all? And still a couple of days away?

You bet it has.

I know because Kiota is smiling at me and she's standing behind me looking over my shoulder as I finish this.

If I turn around to 'look', she'll change position and not be there anymore.

After all, that's what the world is like since 1927, right? Doesn't matter if you are a scientist or not.

Explained a lot of things to the theoretical physicists, still does now.
Explains a lot of things to me, too.

I hope the plane is on time. I hope I fly through a lot of clouds.

And why is Judy so close?

Guess I'll find out.

I love me my patterns.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 11th, 2008 02:34 am (UTC)
You are an incredibely positive person. You make the best out of the worst. That's why you have gone and will continue to go so far in life. It's what makes you strong, and I admire you for it.
Aug. 11th, 2008 02:39 am (UTC)
Thanks, Caylen...grateful for that. But I don't think I've really survived very much shit in my life, so far --- and I think Survivors have the real strength, and they build more, whether they share about it or not....
Aug. 11th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
Maybe you haven't gone through the same things as myself or the next person, but I'm sure you have fought your battles, too. And won. The type of battle doesn't really matter much. To fight any battle is takes real strength.
Aug. 11th, 2008 05:51 pm (UTC)
Brad, Brad, Brad. Survivors do have strength...from surviving...but one need not win the Trauma Trophy to build real character.

I realize you are not Catholic, but I encourage you to check out the autobiography of St. Therese the Little Flower, The Story of a Soul. It is mostly the story of how she became this completely amazing person with hardly any trauma at all.

I worry that you think you, yourself, are somehow not good enough because you haven't "really survived very much shit in (your) life..." It honest-to-God ISN'T all about suffering. Suffering sucks. All winning the Trauma Trophy really means is that you have more scars than anybody else. Imagine if your body really was a mass of scar tissue. There are such people -- they're called burn victims and they are massively disfigured.

You need not suffer to be worthy or good. Be truly happy and you will accomplish a LOT more that way.

Aug. 11th, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
The Trauma Trophy, heh. Didn't ever really think about them being awarded, but of course they are, virtually!

Kiota's body *was* a mass of scar tissue -- from cutting. When I read that one of the med explanations is that it's a compulsive set of outer signs of severe inner psychic desperation and unworthiness, that really pushed my sad buttons bigtime. IRL I only saw a few of them, but that was enough to bring on some despair, quickly. Others in her set of Friends were much much closer to all of those episodes than I was.

It's not that I feel that I'm "somehow not good enough", but rather that the dimensions of the life / lives she led give you a perspective on the world[s] that's totally different from one who has not suffered through any history similar to hers. I'm sure that's one reason she felt so isolated and alone, that no one could deeply understand her. Or wanted to. She wrote about being really convinced that she was unloved / unlovable by anyone who was not related to her [parents, siblings] ---including all her 464 Friends/Of on this site and many more on others --- deciding that we could, and would, all go away with a touch of a button or two and discard her anytime we wanted to.

That did not, obviously, prove to be true. But the point is how Kiota sees her own reality and her pain, not how we do. And what she does about it. There *were* some good things there, also.

Tomorrow morning I start back out there, again. There are more reasons other than Ki and Judy, but it will be a whole new pathway for me.

To put it mildly!

*huggles right back*
Aug. 12th, 2008 01:38 am (UTC)
I'm glad to hear that. I worried that you were glamorizing Kiota's suffering. When I hear you remember her, it's not her suffering you talk about: it's her spirit, her photography, the perspective she had, as you put it...in other words, the GOOD things. Suffering is evil, but good things can come out of it. It is not to be desired for those good things, though.

I have met so many who measure their worth by either their own or the scars of others; I was worried that was you and trying to save you from such a fate.

Oh, and you CAN be unique to the point where you know for a fact you'll find no one who can really relate to you, who knows what it's like to be you, and that is lonely indeed. I feel sad that Kiota didn't deeply realize that she wasn't, in fact, alone.


Edited at 2008-08-12 01:40 am (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2008 03:45 am (UTC)
I think I don't talk about her suffering because I don't feel the need to. [Any longer, at least.] The great majority of those 2700 LJ posts she wrote do that, and sometimes do it in excruciating detail. And it's still very curious to me that each Email she and I shared --- more than 200 of them --- were just the opposite: full of excitement and creative energy .... sarcasm, sometimes, sure, but with a great vitality!

Maybe it's this contrast: the first convo I ever had with her was how to best make a photoprint order; the first convo she had with another Friend was how to best kill herself. Different POV's, much?

There is absolutely nothing glamorous about any of Anna's varieties of suffering, nor the tortures she inflicted on people far closer to her emotionally, for far longer, than I had been. In our short four days IRL she tried to keep that side of her hidden from me as much as she could. Failed, of course: it's hard to talk about the end of your life each day, and make plans for the summer photo exhibition from Cambodia, at virtually the same time...

Unless, of course, you are talking with two personalities in one body.

The other reason, I suppose, is that her suffering in her mortal mind and body is over now, and it's long over: as she said in 2003, "I'm dead and that's that." And, for me, it's macabre and of no creative value to keep that side of her "alive". It's not what she wants, anyway. And said so. [I quoted that in my Profile.]

I think it's all about what you carry forward most -vividly- from the past: Anna's fire or Anna's night. And that is certainly a reflection of your own life philosophy, and your own death-philosophy as well, isn't it?

She shared everything she could -- here, in PM's, in our F2F conversations that went through to dawn -- and that is what I found most courageous and brave about her. And still do.

That's the rollercoaster part.

Edited at 2008-08-12 03:50 am (UTC)
Aug. 12th, 2008 11:00 pm (UTC)
Well said, Brad. I'm not sure quite what you mean by my death-philosophy, but that is very much my life-philosophy. And my death-philosophy, officially, is that I will simply no longer live on Earth and I will be living a life inconceivably better than the one I have now. And that hopefully most of my loved ones will join me there eventually. So, I don't have a lot to lose at this point. Good life, better death. :)

Different personalities are not inconceivable in Anna's case.

Thanks for taking my words in the spirit they were meant, BTW. *hugs*
Aug. 13th, 2008 11:21 am (UTC)
Lots of different ways that life happens; mortal life --- with a defined beginning and ending --- is but one of them. We usually only examine one material, physical variety because that's the most obvious one [here, anyway.] Big mistake.

*huggles right back*
Aug. 11th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
I admire *you* right back, btw.
Aug. 11th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
This post is the coolest.

Yes, people CAN fundamentally change. Yes, you CAN redeem the negative from your past.

I am living proof of this.
Aug. 11th, 2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
And I am VERY grateful you're in our circle here.
I don't tell you that enough :)
Aug. 12th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
Thank you. That makes me feel very good. :)
Aug. 12th, 2008 03:52 am (UTC)
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


kiota too late for the stars
Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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