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Time for a three-month update. Especially poignant since the days of the week [this time] line up exactly: Friday April and July 11th; Sunday April and July 13th.

Doing better. Very aware of how much peace was happening Sunday, here; it rained literally all day, straight down. I wrote in my notebook J that "the sky is crying." And the brief sunrises and sunsets, light spilling around the edges of my window curtain.

Saturday night was tough [as it was for many of us.] Even though I took a mild sleeping pill it didn't work. But I got to reflect on what has helped me the most in these three months.

First: the header line is the 24 / 7 hotline telephone for The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The most prominent LJ community, full of links, is the survivors community: you can type it in with an underline preceding it and another one following it. There are referral links to a bunch of resources in Canada, too.

Anyway: what has helped me.

(1) Each and every one of you. You all bring me something in your own personal grief and your despair and your support and your light, and I'm very very aware of that and very thankful also. And I just flat out want to say that very plainly. Sometimes no words, or few, and sometimes many, but I know you are here, if only passing through time to time, and I cherish all of your words and your presences because I can feel you working inside me.

(2) The fact that she was far far from alone on Friday and Saturday nights. There were hours of phone call time and IM time with TeenHelp. http://www.teenhelp.org is another great resource. Three of their counselors sent me messages in the next week starting 13th April, one msg repeats verbatim what one counselor was saying to another counselor about those last hours with Ki and I can't repeat them here because they were entrusted to me personally ... but they reassured me to no end.

(3) Movements. There have been wondrous memorials created for Ki and you have shared some of them [I have too] and they all speak, in one way or another, of moving along, moving forward into wherever our paths lead.

(4) Ki herself. I have been given some beautiful and unique gifts by some of you, in the forms of copies of personal convos you've had with her over her life and it feels like she is speaking to me through you. Again these are confidential but they are a big part of my healing too.

(5) Ki herself in her 2003 suicide note. One of us found that, and re-posted it freshly in Ki's last LJ entry. Not for the only time, Ki wanted none of us to hurt ourselves no matter what she was going to do, which she called "inevitable'. It's a continuity of tragedy. Perhaps only one or two of us who read this will be able to say that they've been involved with her since 2000 or 2001 or so [or earlier]. For all the rest of us, including me, we've been "short-timers" against that timeline and --- in my case at least --- it makes feeling helpless somehow more acceptable. Especially because I was right there so close to the end.

(6) Brand-new resource I just found: book = "Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss." Michael F. Myers and Carla Fine are the authors. Myers is a pdoc and both of them are very qualified to talk to us.

Anyway: I was at first overwhelmed that so many of you were coming by here [why meeeeee ???] but Ki has helped me write many of the things I've shared with you, it keeps her very fresh in my heart. Some of us are still suicidal or having ups and downs, maybe *more* suicidal now.
And I just love it that you're here.

Like being a sexual attack victim himself / herself, loss of a loved one can be something that stays for all the rest of our lives. It's our choice to cope in whatever way makes sense to us. And to feel that we are still loved and honored for our choice.

The book goes far far beyond yelling "Don't Do It!!" into what happens afterwards. Which is where we all are now.

Blessings Be.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 16th, 2008 07:06 pm (UTC)
*grateful huggles right back*
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


kiota too late for the stars
Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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