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kiota and john and anette

This will be Kiota talking for a minute [between the stars]:

*** *** *** *** *** ***


Starting slowly,
a single thread of tune:
furtive, soft,
weaving in threads,
delicate strands of music--
music within music within music.
Somehow it has built
weaving so gently I did not notice
built to intensity:
not loud
but strong.
Something is bursting
out of my heart --
I don't know whether
to laugh
or cry:
music within music,
a perfect cloth.

In case it isn't obvious, I love the Pachelbel Canon, Canon in D. I have played it on the piano hundreds of times and listened to the orchestra thousands of times, and I never tire of it. It is a work of genius.

*** *** *** *** *** ***

A double row of 18 stars, that's not an accident. This evening's a bit hard for me, exactly three months ago we said goodbye [for the last time, it turned out] and at this very moment I was zooming up Interstate 5 toward Seattle in an airport taxi and she was locked in her room, online to TeenHelp Suicide Prevention, as a client this time. Not asking for help, calmly detailing for them what she was going to do tomorrow night. Except that she said nothing about her timing.

So after I got her poem, I turned to Pachelbel. Soothing, peaceful. Then I remembered one of her fave bands: Nightwish. So I picked up their CD "Dark Passion Play" [2007] and the first thing that happened was more 'weaving in threads.'

Over on dA there is an artist called Princess-of-Shadows, real name Liliana
Sanches, much of whose recent works are digital manips of images based on these Dark Passion Play song titles: "Bye Bye Beautiful"; "Cadence of Her Last Breath"; "Amaranth"; and so on. Kiota favourited many of Liliana's images for her own collection. L states that her images reflect events in her own life. So it's immediately understandable why Liliana is a Kiota fave.

The next thing that happened to me was an "oh-shit" moment. When I strapped on my new 50mm headphones and started listening.

Nightwish is a band from Finland billed as a 'symphonic power metal quintet'. Everything on this Passion Play CD relates to night. The last one you'll ever have.

Anette Olzon Blyckert is the lead singer of Nightwish, and on this CD she's backed up by four instrumentalists and multiple choirs, two boy sopranos, Irish pipes, and overdubbing at Apple Road Studios in London, the Beatles creation.

Here's a sample:

xxx xxx xxx


Finally the hills are without eyes
They are tired of painting a dead man's face red
With their own blood
They used to love having so much to lose
Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins

Jacob's ghost for the girl in white
Blindfold for the blind
Dead siblings walking the dying earth

Noose around a choking heart

Eternity torn apart
Slow toll now the funeral bells

"I need to die to feel alive"

Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play only to become pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don't you see
You chose the long road but we'll be waiting

It's not the tree that forsakes the flower
But the flower that forsakes the tree
Someday I'll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red hot blade of your words
How blind can you be, don't you see
That the gambler lost all he does not have.

Bye bye Beautiful.

xxx xxx xxx

To listen to this song as recorded is to masochistically attack your own ears. I guess it's a developed taste? The last song of the 13 is "Meadows of Heaven" which is a somewhat peaceful elegy for all of what the first 12 have put you through.

"Meadows" ends:

Dreambound for life
Flowers wither, treasures stay hidden
Until I see the first star of fall
I fall asleep
And see it all:
Mother's care
And the color of the kites,
Meadows of Heaven

::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::

Besides on your ears, it chews on your heart, too. At least it does mine.

So I can't take all of Nightwish at once. It's awesomely well done musically and it's also awesomely terrifying. It's like the lyrics have been written by the dark side of Ki.

As I've said here before, you don't just get to love part of a person. Even though you don't have to love all the paths she walked down. It's all about awareness. Looking over the edge with her standing next to me and down there at the bottom at the same time.

No wonder she said, many times [except the last] that none of her Friends should harm themselves in any way, this was her private path and she lectured us about it.

Gonna put the credits for this in the post above.

If you don't know Nightwish and go to meet them, please be careful, kk?

I can't realy fully appreciate Pachelbel without Anette.

Did I need this, THIS night?

Did I ever hear what she told me.....I mean, on all channels?

Wonder if any of us did....


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 12th, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC)
When I do the Day of Blogs (Blogathon) this year for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, I will be thinking of her, among others. She helped so many but chose to go a different way. I know that it was her free choice to do that. That doesn't make it easy.
Jul. 13th, 2008 05:03 am (UTC)
Yeah ... I think surely it was her free choice but it was the best of the terrible choices: when all hope is gone and one more day of breathing is absolutely equivalent to one more day of increased pain, "I can't see this ever improving", "Ten years PTSD, six years suicidal ... how long do I have to wait?" .... it's the TINA thing I journaled about: There Is No Alternative .... that's what the AFSP and others study about --- creative methods to alter all this. In terms that will make sense to those in danger.

When they've decided that the real danger is in continuing to live.

You bet it doesn't make it easy.

She's the only one in my life that I've ever walked with, this far. Across the worlds.

I guess I've been lucky?

As someone else on her Friends list [and mine, now] said to me: "Compared to her life, mine's been a lollipop."

In her terms, Nightwish shows me that better than any other words do --- save her own.
Jul. 13th, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
Part of what always frustrated me (and I do realize that it was the product of having been abused) was the fact that she would deliberately walk into self-destructive situations, with eyes wide open, because that seemed like the only allowable course of action.

It seemed that she recognized that she had been programmed by past abuse to repeat patterns of behavior which would inevitably result in more harm to herself, knocking down her self-esteem a little farther each time. No one could tell her anything that she didn't already know about what she was doing. Still, she felt compelled to keep choosing that path, over and over again.

I had really hoped that going away to college in the States would make a positive difference in her life, and I thought for awhile that it had. It's ironic that her final decision to die wasn't because of something hugely dramatic, like acts of prostitution, but because of the more "normal" life situation of being socially isolated.
Jul. 14th, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
Some threads that make sense to me, as a nonprofessional.

The cascade effect: more and more black rain that sometimes she wanted to escape from, more often not. Until the water rose so high there was only one option left. Which she welcomed.

"Compelled" is a good word. I've never been compelled to destroy myself, let alone plan it for years. Those of us who have are not here anymore. Plenty still struggle against it.

Inadequate. We can't *REALLY* experience what a day-by-day existence is like with a fractured brain ... unless we have one. Diagnoses, over five years plus: Suicide ideation, Bipolar Personality Disorder [BPD], Multiple Personality Disorder [MPD], Dissociative Identity Disorder [DID].

And, hopelessness. "I can't see this ever improving." She wrote this three months ago Saturday night. Sums it up. "See this" -- as hampered vision. Or vision looking only one way.

A Friend who knew her lots better than we did judged that she was as good as dead when she came to America because that situation would force her to become self-reliant, to an increasing degree, and "Anna sucks at being self-reliant."

Anna wrote feelingly about being fearful of losing her mind, about conceiving of her mind as a dark little place inside herself with a door she could just crawl in behind and slam shut forever. And that entry is from January 2003.

Everything I saw in Olympia indicated that (1) her roommates were quite friendly and outgoing (2) Anna scared them silly. They knew about the massive patterns of knifing and scarring all over her body [after all: one shower for 4 - 5 people to share....and a VERY common corridor outside it.] They didn't have to read about all her SI entries there in her LJ for about as long as she HAD an LJ. They obviously knew about invasions from campus cops, most notably last winter, on a suicide prevention warning coming from Friends not even in America. Anna was not the only one with a drug stash to hide.

They were confused and alarmed and didn't know what to do except shut her out of their own circles of friends --- for self-protection.

As a very young teen she once also wrote: "Had a life. Got a modem." It had been a long tradition to carry on her entire "social" life --- 99% of it --- on a keyboard, for years and years. Do you know what that does to your ability to make friends IRL? Well, I don't --- but I saw the effects.

And she was aware of that, she wrote about never wanting to admit how many hours she spent at the computer this way.

So it seems she was almost totally inept at being able to create what she missed most [and what hurt her terribly]: attracting even one single friend to hang out with, rant with, snuggle / cuddle with, talk about courses with. Another student at Evergreen, preferably Lesbian, preferably first-year. She worried about being "clingy". For good reason.

And if there is one thing that resonates more than anything else: at one time in her life she wanted to submerge herself into the sex-worker industry and become the slave of a pimp who would make all the decisions for her and then hopefully arrange for her to be destroyed by some psycho john and dumped into a gutter -- so this would save her both the personal decision and the mechanical trouble.

This is at maybe 15 or 16.

I don't think this dark inner orientation ever went away, although her outer behavior changed. It was just right there below the surface, along with giving everyone the impression, even her Mom, that she was "getting better". Negative self-reliance, again.

If there's anything you CAN'T do without as a first-year college student anywhere, it's self-reliance and good, effective academic work patterns. And the ability to adjust and acquire them if you don't have them as you come into that new world. You and I have both been there, done that.

So. I think we are left to pick what we want to remember from the two or more Kiotas. I pick mine every day. Doesn't mean we have to ignore other choices, in fact we can't: they will always be there and they are inside my heart right now, along with her light and her music and those beautiful fingers. Fingers that soared through Pachelbel and wrote amazing poems, and fingers that also did other things I don't focus on.

Edited at 2008-07-14 12:30 am (UTC)
Jul. 14th, 2008 01:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this long and thoughtful reply. Your description of Anna being inept at friendship IRL is something I can identify with, so much. I was not abused as Anna was, but I have always been inept at forming relationships IRL, even back in the long-ago days when there was no such thing as the World Wide Web, so online friendships were a godsend for me. When I tried to bring an online friend into my real-life world, however, I discovered that I still don't know how to be a friend IRL. What I learned online didn't bring me closer to that; if anything, it probably took me farther, so now I'm floundering with trying to create a real-life friendship with an online friend who is now here in the flesh and I'm failing dismally at it. So, I can truly relate to that aspect of what Anna was going through.
Jul. 16th, 2008 05:59 am (UTC)
Very illuminating, Ellen. Thank you.

I'm very new at online frendships, too ...[like, last August when Ki poked at me since she was closing her LJ and wanted to "keep" me? :) ] ... there were a few before that, almost always involving students I was tutoring or working on projects with, IRL, while they were temporarily traveling. But I'd met them IRL first, is the point.

I guess one of the biggest differences is what McLuhan called "cool" v. "hot" mediums of communication. Cool being online, hot having your partner right there drinking tea with you, shopping, lying in bed with; hot = a bunch of levels of communication [physical, sexual, drinking-tea-wise] and cool = reading what they've typed and replying the same way. It's only a mono-level of communication.

So a cool communication channel is hardly a guide to how well a hot one will work.

Ki was once asked about IRL and she said that she'd actually met "maybe three or four" of her 460+ online Friends....leaving out relatives. A couple of which, as a matter of fact, she banned!

The WWW is actually pretty new and the social networking sites are much newer than that. As you prob know, the first net creators and users were profs exchanging research results and info at various colleges, before they developed an international protocol for us non-brainy users to use.

I'm sure that neither Ki nor I had any real [no-pun-intended] certainty about how we would link together when we got into her dorm room instead of getting onto our computers a half-world or a total-North-American-landmass away from each other. It was part of the excitement with some fear mixed in too: difference between what she called "online persona" and real-life ones. It didn't matter how close we'd been online, here was the "real" thing.

It is, yes, certainly a new relationship to work out.

And when one of us turned out pretty quickly to be here and not-here at the same time, *that* was totally new territory too. And that was ***before*** 13th April ....

I've concluded that -- despite what I might have thought -- if I'd not been ready for everything to happen in our relationship since August 2005 --- which started with one photoprint order and two suicide episodes --- if I'd not been ready for the rollercoaster, I wouldn't have been brought the chance to get in and strap down. And I'm still very much there.

A "there" which changes, sometimes second by second. It's a lovely and amazing ride.
Jul. 13th, 2008 05:30 am (UTC)
And btw Ellen, I <3 your icon here.
Jul. 13th, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
The original artist was Melissa a/k/a thisyearsgirl. The icons were made by aleurier at bella_sol.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


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