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goodbye, sweet princess

from the LJ Abuse team this morning:

"Kiota's journal was suspended at the request of her family. We are required to grant the wishes of family members in cases like these."

I answered with thanks and with the hope that her family might find some of the same solace and healing that we have.

So now she belongs only to them once more.


( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 19th, 2008 05:22 pm (UTC)
while I can understand why, it sucks for the rest of us. I liked having that medium to "talk" to her still.
Jun. 19th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
There is a time. Turn, turn, turn. There is a time for Kiota to be home again to her blood family. That time came here last night.

And as they will soon find out, they will have great summits of laughter [like this icon] and greater depths of tragedy. We've been living with all the immutable words. They have not.

And they have all of us with them, too.... perhaps we might have some words in there for their solace too <3
Jun. 19th, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
So now she belongs only to them once more.

You'd be surprised.

Jun. 19th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
Neta, I <3 you for that.

And no I wouldn't. I just meant the big LJ table she set for us now goes to them, they want their private time.....

We all have so much to cherish and remember, and that belongs to us, and it always will. And a special small group who shared her time and life physically, is specially blessed.. I have only the tiniest piece of that membership, but it is written on my heart as long as I have one: my real one and my virtual one.
Jun. 19th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
It's sad that they would choose to exercise that power to keep the consolation of re-reading her writing away from the rest of us, but everyone handles grief differently, and we have to respect that.
Jun. 19th, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
If they've chosen to keep the comments and read them [and I pray Lois's first response and timeless birth imagery late on April 12 will be able to touch them] ... they may restore this to us in some way, in their own time....
Jun. 19th, 2008 07:26 pm (UTC)
Well...that is good to know, at least. I wish they hadn't, but I do understand.
Jun. 19th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)

This has been around for years.
Figured now would be a good time to really resurrect it.
Jun. 19th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)
Agreed. I just stopped by there!
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 19th, 2008 11:36 pm (UTC)
Perfect icon, Mari: the gloom but there is a sun there too. Like this one: canyon but a bridge across it and a rainbow.

I'll follow the sun. And the rainbow :)
Jun. 19th, 2008 10:29 pm (UTC)
i don't really understand why they would do this.

but i mean, what are ya gonna do eh?
Jun. 19th, 2008 11:33 pm (UTC)
To re-do her icon: "I can't keep my J up here forever.."

For one thing, we need to remember that when she found out that they were reading her journal without her permission, she got realy mad and locked it up only for her Friends [more than a year ago, is my guess.] So they were locked out for a long time. Now they have locked us out and themselves in.

I expect that they will have all 5.5 years of it, all 2,705 entries, printed out for themselves as a diary and then delete it permanently. LJ has a service to do this if they want. They are going to have some really really brutal things to read and her mother, especially, who loved her longer than any of us, is going to be destroyed at reading that last entry when she sees her firstborn child struggling with hopelessness and gradually dying right there on the page....and not being able to do one damn thing about it. So they will find it a very mixed blessing. There are some pretty negative comments in there about her dad's emotional distance from her, also.

I actually would not want to be either of them at all.

What *we* are going to do? ....... is to keep her as much alive as we want to through our love for her and through devoting as much, or as little, time as we choose to, toward doing actually what she gave her life for: helping to fight porn and child abuse in all the forms we find it.

We don't have to "suspend" her from our lives or hearts at all. Not one little bit.
Jun. 20th, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
What are we going to do?...what are they going to do. like you said they have to read about their first born in the last hour(S) of her life.
I can't imagine the pain. And they will also have to read about the pain she endured.

While I don't agree with keeping her words from the people she touched, I understand it. Closure just doesn't seem to exist for me.
Jun. 20th, 2008 02:12 am (UTC)
Yeah, Stace, it's going to create lots *more* pain.

It seems to me that closure is not a point, it's a process. Everybody does it, or does not, at a different rate of time and speed .... I'm comforted that in 2003, in another attempt, she said, "Let yourself get over it too." I posted that on my profile page. In fact, when another Friend found that whole note and posted a link to it in Kiota's J, I copied it down word for word. That's part of *my* process .... going to the Far East is another. Not everybody can do that, but atm I can and I'm called to ... and I will be taking lots of you with me, too :)
Jun. 20th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
Sounds like I'm the only one who doesn't have a problem with this. I think of my other friends that are gone. Kiota is not the first friend I lost online. And I definitely understand how healing it can be to visit the journals, read the thoughts/dreams/angst and, more so, vent about your sadness at the loss.

But you don't need her journal to do that. I would much rather have a special memorial site than visit a journal of someone who is gone. The journals are frozen in time. But I'm not. I'm still engaged in life and want to be around others who are as well...grieving, btw, is being fully engaged in life.

Frankly, a journal of someone gone can feel creepy to me. It's why I, almost always, stop visiting them anyway.

Kiota has moved on. I am moving on. I don't have a problem with her journal moving on as well.

Jun. 20th, 2008 02:06 am (UTC)
I think maybe it was a needed step. I feel some closure with it, more closure is the better word. Love your last line, Mia. For me: Kiota *is* the first online friend I've lost. Others have gone out of my cyberlife, though, which is close to the same thing ...

The words are frozen in time, yes. But her dreams can move on with us and in us.

That's a broken record with me [CD stuck on 'repeat' would be the way to put it now ;)] ----- but I don't care.

The pain IRL has stopped for her, and now, big vats of it are opening up for her family...

One of the privileges we have and they never will: we can move on and they can't. Oh, they'll cope, they'll *have* to, and the littlest kids will hardly remember...but the three older ones, especially Laura [16] and Becky [13] ... when Becky did all that photo modeling for her at age nine and later [that's Becky in the icon] ... one of the pdocs I read talks about the "hole" left in the lives of the close family survivors. Mom and Dad will always, always have that.

They are going to wish that her journal was "moving on as well."

And, also, Mia: totally agreed about grieving being fully engaged :)
Jun. 20th, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC)
Mentally, I understand her family's right to do this.

Emotionally, I'm filled with blind rage. I'm upset because so much that was in that journal helped me out for so many years. I'm hurting really, really badly. I don't know. I feel like complete shit.
Jun. 21st, 2008 03:43 am (UTC)
Hey, Fall, can you scoot over to my LJ and check out my new post? There's a new dealie about Anna ....
Jun. 21st, 2008 03:50 am (UTC)
Re: Anna
Well, poot. That's what I get for being an excited newbie. just went over to her and posted this properly! *blushes on curly telephone cord*
Jun. 20th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
i wish that they hadn't done that...
Jun. 20th, 2008 11:15 pm (UTC)
I am going to echo what others before me have already said:

I really really wish they hadn't done this.

Kiota's journal has been a constant in my life for a long time. It was a place that I could always return to if I needed to, even after she was already gone.

I had tacked the last entry in her journal so that every reply to her was sent to me as well & it was a comfort to receive the thoughts that others posted to her & about her.

I am not ready for her to be completely out of my life like this. However, I will make an effort to be ok with this & move on to let her rest in peace.
Jun. 21st, 2008 01:54 am (UTC)
And just maybe she wants us to make this effort to do this, Otter. As Mia said, moving on is part of life. Ki wrote about it in 2003: Don't mourn too long, let yourself get over it, too.

Some deep, deep part of each of her parents has died, too, along with her. This is one of the parts of their mourning process. None of us can know what this is like for them. They wake up every morning without her, and all the hours for the rest of their lives... just like us, they'll never get another Email or hear her voice on the phone. Voicing anger, voicing love, something in between: swallowed up in eternal silence.

We feel our pain deeply, yes, as Fall wrote, and rage too. I've written "It's like she died all over again."

Eventually they will be reading "let yourself get over it, too". And that's good.

There's another possibility, too: LJ / could give / could have given / them her password any time they asked for it, or unlock her J for them so they could read it and yet leave it for us. They would be [or were] horrified, I'm sure, to read about those of us here who wanted to know the explicit details of how Kiota left --- fearing copycats would come forward quickly to use that knowledge upon themselves.... That's exactly what Ellen fears too.

They would want no other parent anywhere on the planet to go through the grief that they are going through.

So that's what has been decided. They did not choose to lose a daughter. We did not choose to lose a journal. Nobody wanted to lose Kiota.

Nobody got what they chose.

..... except Mia perhaps, regarding Kiota's journal. We should listen to her, she has some important wisdom up there to share ....
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )