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kiota here for all seasons

to every thing
there is a season
and a time for every purpose
under heaven:

a time to be born
a time to die
a time to plant
a time to reap

a time to kill
a time to heal
a time to laugh
a time to weep

a time to dance
a time to mourn
a time to love
a time to hate

a time you may embrace
a time to refrain from embracing
a time to rend
a time to sew
a time to love
a time for peace
....................

i love you.
i love you more than you can imagine.
it hurt so much
and i was being ripped apart from the inside
and my world was falling apart
and i was bleeding
and the pain battered me
and i stayed alive a long time fighting it
and it beat me down
and at last
i surrendered.

just remember, i'm not suffering anymore.

this is something that would have happened no matter what.
this was inevitable.
it is not your fault.

the last thing i'd want
is for you to feel guilty.

i lived for others.
it got too hard.
it hurt so much
i couldn't stand it anymore
not for anyone.

let yourself mourn
don't try to keep it all inside, like i did
BUT let yourself get over it, too.
please.
try not to mourn too long.

try not to mourn too long.
i'm so sorry.
i didn't want to hurt anyone.

i love you:
if there is an afterlife, i still do love you.

just remember, i'm not suffering anymore.

i was living in a hell, and i escaped it now.
i don't want you to hurt because of me ---
i don't want you to feel guilty because of my choice.
this was my choice.
it was a hard choice, but it was my choice.

i just wanted to end my own pain. i have to.

i love you.

goodbye.

have a beautiful life.

xoxo

Kiota

...................

a time is right now sunday morning
one week on a new journey
where time has vanished
and the sun is there and smiling:
a time to dance
a time to love
for all time
when all is one.

========================

adapted from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-13; Pete Seeger, 1958; Jim McGuinn and the Byrds, 1966; Kiota Bandal, 2003; Kiota Astraya, 2008

========================

I guess not many are familiar with the creative name Astraya: Wednesday week we were discussing the roots of "Kiota Bandal" and she told me about "Astraya" and "al-Astraya", saying that she mostly used the new name now because she liked the Arabic sound of it and because it reminded her of stars and faraway light.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
bravest_unsaid
Apr. 20th, 2008 07:41 pm (UTC)
I'm reading over her old entries from 2003 and I came upon this song she wrote. The stars and faraway light thing reminded me of it.

To the Stars

To the stars, you said we'd go,
to their faroff, faroff glow.
To their infinite height,
to those pinpoints of light,

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

Remove my badges, my uniform,
let me out of this thunderstorm.
Leave my guns, my weapons fair -
I don't need them over there,
no I don't need them

in the stars, in the stars, in the stars...

To the stars, you said we'd go,
to their faroff, faroff glow.
To their infinite height,
to those pinpoints of light,

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

Take me out of this battlefield,
let my old wounds be healed.
Don't want to see, no, no more dead.
I don't need all this bloodshed,
just want to go

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

To the stars, you said we'd go,
to their faroff, faroff glow.
To their infinite height,
to those pinpoints of light,

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

We'll go together, leave this place,
go out flying, into space.
Forget it all, we'll start anew,
we will get a different view,
for we'll be looking

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

To the stars, you said we'd go,
to their faroff, faroff glow.
To their infinite height,
to those pinpoints of light,

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

(softer)Only let me sleep briefly,
only for a minute, two, or three...
Let me, briefly, slip away,
(slow)it will still be, still be okay -
we'll still be going

to the stars, to the stars, to the stars...

(fading)To the stars, you said we'd go,
to their faroff, faroff glow.
To their infinite height,
to those pinpoints of light,
to the stars...

to the stars...

to the...

stars...
silverplate88
Apr. 20th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC)
Wow, Mex, that is brilliant and poignant. Hadn't been aware of these at all.
2003 was a tough time for her, both hospital-wise and suicide-wise.

It's especially joyful that To The Stars is written with two voyagers in mind, dropping all the weapons and baggage, and then, years later, she would choose eventually that she had to make the trip by herself. Love was up there to meet her in a bunch of forms we can't understand at all, other than light [spectrum] and light [weightless].

Thank you so much for sharing this ...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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kiota too late for the stars
silverplate88
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