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Calamity's Child

David Bowie, 1974:

So what you wanna know, Calamity's Child?
Where you wanna go?
You can't get enough
But enough ain't the test
You've got your transmission and your live wire
And you've torn your dress
You're a juvenile success,
You want more
And you want it fast...
REBEL, REBEL, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so
Hot tramp, I love you so

Bowie in 1974 and Ki, right now: that IS a live wire. Full of power, shooting sparks, shooting stars. Bridges to stars.

Crossposting: http://kiota.livejournal.com/50536.html

October and April

The last full night I lived in Cambridge, I did a number of candle studies. The late Fall weather was unhappy, lots of wind and rain, took many tries before I got both candles to stay lighted long enough.

........... IMG_2416 wind candle reflections LJ.JPG

Both of them had been finished with metallic chips embedded in the shafts. Of course there's lots of symbolism... the shorter one is Kiota's, and it sits inside the box my telephoto lens for our Digital Rebel T5i came in. Its glossy board reflects a third candle image. And my Rebel picked it right up, I hadn't noticed that before...

I'd be boarding a plane the next day, taking off across the country to Olympia and Evergreen, with no firm idea where I'd be staying or what kind of med attention I'd be meeting with (lots less than I would be needing, it turned out).. but that night I was one with the passion of the wind and the waterfalls, and even made a backdrop out of a patient bag from MGH, where I'd spent dozens of days and nights in 2015 (with no 'literal' candles.)

Not that I didn't care. About the uncertainty.

But I was mainly relaxed, filled with comfort at not being alone at all.

I expected plenty of challenges to come in Washington State, and they have. And they keep on coming. But I don't face them alone, no way.

October and April. April 30 twenty-eight years ago is her birthday. April 13 nine years ago is her re-birthday. And in a different way, and certainly inside and outside a different world, October 3 last year was my own.

Candles in the rain. There will be fire longer than there will be Aprils. Or Octobers.

Crossposting: http://kiota.livejournal.com/50031.html

until the sky falls down over me

"I wanna stand with you on the mountain
I wanna walk with you on the sea
I wanna lie like this forever
Until the sky falls down over mee..."
"Ooh Baby do you know what that's worth?
Ooh Heaven is a place on earth
They say in Heaven, love comes first:
We'll make heaven a place on earth..."

With help from Belinda Carlisle and Savage Garden.

And Ki of course.

Crossposting: http://kiota.livejournal.com/49410.html

you're not a star

icon is an image from Ki, "Larissa surprised." One of her dorm building-mates.

"she looked like an angel" is a quote from Ki's crossPost.

No, you're not a star. You're many more than just one.

One of the things that happened in a couple months from now in 2008 --- the funds which paid for the trip you never took were sent overseas to Cambodia anyway, to help your kids. After I did that, your photography team director sent this photo back to me. It's four of the children you would have met and bonded with at the orphanage where you were volunteering....

Kiotas Cambodia Family

Each pair of them is related in some way, sisters or cousins.

April 18, 2008. Friday. Ten-thirty at your grave was three-thirty in the morning at the University of Vermont Med Center library, I was sitting alone at a table in the foyer keeping a vigil. For the first time --- of infinite times to come --- I felt you so close I wept.

April 18, 2017. Tuesday. Evergreen State College library. Three in the afternoon. Sitting here writing this post.

Your courage is nine years stronger now. Your guidance and help, too. Your presences.

Sometimes you might see me with another girl
Lookin' like I'm havin' fun...
Although she's cute, she's just a substitute, because
You're the permanent one.

=== sings Linda Ronstadt in "Tracks of my Tears".

Writing to Lois on April 16 nine years ago:
"In real life and in just parts of four days last week, she really moved into my heart. Where she will always stay."

Soyeah nine years isn't 'always', but it's a good start.

Writing on April 17, on this exact day nine years ago:
"We can keep connecting with Anna as much as we want and whenever we want, by opening ourselves to listen to her wherever she is now, over the bridge of love we have for her that can always keep her close and safe."

I could have written all that just yesterday. Since I feel the same ways now as then.

Clocks and calendars all melt. Some other things do not.

everyone heals in their own time

On campus. OSVPR messages everywhere. They say, part, "Everyone heals in their own time and their own way, and the path isn't always a straight line."

Well, no it isn't.

Sometimes it can even be, say, thirty-five thousand feet over Montana. Not a straight line, but a direction.


Crosspost from Ki:


Through each of us to one another.
The icon is from Holland, my first Christmas ever, across the pond in Europe, 2008. I created a group of photos of tree lights, which had been strung up to decorate branches along the street in one of the plazas not far from my home then. At Kerstmis, as the Dutch spell it.

CrossPosting toward Kiota:


'You're only dancing on this earth for a short while.' Looks even shorter when you get this far, waaaaaay far beyond 18, and you look back toward the past, toward the dancing, toward the tears. And, joys.

Words are from Cat Stevens.

The lighted "stars" remind me of her short story, "Too Late For The Stars".

There are many earths to dance on.

And across. And over.

you're the permanent one

...automatic weapons or not.

Meetingup again with Linda Ronstadt, she's only about seven years younger than mee, one of the most successful "chick-singers" --- that's how SHE puts it --- successful in the 70's and 80's, and still is now. Awards and platinum albums all over the place. Up into the hundreds of $millions in 2016 dollars. Did a bit of stage work, too. NYSF in Central Park, it wasn't free Shakespeare, it was free Gilbert & Sullivan. Now, she's retired in 2011 and dx with Parkinson's in Dec 2012... "can't sing a note."

Super covers. Last September, she and Emmylou Harris and Dolly released "The Complete Trio Collection", 41 tracks on three CDs. She might not be able to sing any note now, but they've digitally remastered their big hits and you can always go back.

CrossPosting from Ki:


This morning isn't the last morning at all. It's the first one of the next nine years. Or, of however many years.

Yep, lots of Ones... but you're the permanence in each of them. Your smile doesn't look out of place anymore. Whatever the place.

Blessings Be.

we laughed and needed love

Escaping the rain, mostly, using paper towels to keep the hardware dry. At our old cafe' an hour ago, now the last post remembering Saturday 12 April 2008.

CrossPosting from Ki:


The post title is from Cat Stevens:

...Remember the days of the old schoolyard?
We used to laugh a lot...
When we had imaginings
And we had all kinds of things
And we laughed and needed love,
Yes I dooo
And I remember you...
No matter what place, whatever the space,
I still see your face
Your smiling face, inside my dreams...
And I remember you.

And I remember something else.

To carry forward --- carrying the fire from the past, not its ashes.

We both do that. The mission.

No matter what place.

we've only just begun

Icon is a shot Ki took of Becky, during a family trip to Turkey. Becky is playing in the waves at the eastern end of the Mediterranean.

On this last afternoon she was here, nine years ago, I had just flown back to Boston all through the night and earlyMorning sunrise, and had cancelled a flight to New York to see another friend, a performer opening her own multilingual show on that Saturday night. Cancelled b/c I was utterly exhausted and needed sleeeeeeeep.

Wanna crosspost to her memorial journal:


The words are from Karen Carpenter's first megaHit in 1970. She was 19. Ki was seventeen days short of that.

Karen passed away in 1983 of a heart attack from complications of anorexia. She was 32.

A short quote from Tom Petty, one of my faves:

I'm Learnin' To Fly
But I ain't got wings:
Comin' down
Is the hardest thing...

O no, it's not hard. Just entirely avoid coming down at all.