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a memory of four sundays

My Friends who are in theatre will know why I'm bowing to Arthur Miller. Even though the subjects are quite different.

A rain of Sundays.

As it happens, it's bright sunshine here right now. Not so yesterday: dark with flooding tears everywhere, with a few happy circles in the puddles. Depends where you look for your liquid sunshine :)

These first two are hers:

24 Feb 2008 Sunday {Gmail to me}
"Today I 'adopted' a 17-year-old girl. I've been lecturing her on how she should be living her life (doing what she's passionate about! goign to college so she can draw comics for a living and do what she loves, moving out of her fairly abusive house, etc), and I'm planning on having her visit after she turns eighteen (around May) and will be loaning her $100 so she can afford to fly over here. It's so fun. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and stuff. XD I really hope I'm able to mentor kids in Cambodia (in the sense that I see mentoring, which is like being a big brother/sister to someone, or like a trusted teacher) in the same way that I can mentor kids online ..."

13 Apr 2008 Sunday {the last sentence she ever posted, replying to a sharer in tragedies}
"I'm glad you were able to get better."

29 June 2008 Sunday
{my reply was to this public entry written by a KiotaFriend into an LJ now suspended [not hers]}
"...she also did horrible things to the people that were closest to her. Trust me, I know. There's nothing worse than sitting there, an ocean away, reading her tell me real-time that she has overdosed and is in the process of cutting herself and if I call the police or any emergency service she'll throw herself off the window before they can bust the door open and help her. Yeah." ... "Sorry you live in a fantasy land with ponies and rainbows, but in the real world people are mean and sarcastic, and on the internet, people are bitches."

03 Aug 2008 Sunday {today. we're sixteen weeks out. my post:}

I'm amused to re-read that Feb one, since it involved a girl in the Middle Atlantic States here in the US we had an IM convo about. Ki had been all ready to fly this age-17 girl out of her home state by buying the plane ticket, meeting her in Seattle, hiding her and bringing her to campus, and putting her in Child Protective Services in town. She asked me my opinion, and I told her how fast two minors could be [and would be] arrested at the Seattle airport, and how fast Kiota's guardians would get into big big trouble for Transportation of a Minor Across State Lines / Kidnapping, which are Federal felonies...among other things. Or, she could be charged with that as an adult. So I told her not to even *think* about it. Just Stop. Of course she got all bitchy at that advice. But she took it.

Of course the May visit never happened, but Ki's girl was one of the people she told her counselors at TH about ---- on her last night with us, in order to be sure the girl's "case" would be picked up by them.

I reprinted both these Feb and June entries because they show how different the two sides of our girl are. The June one refers to an incident late the previous November.

Ponies and rainbows are what make all the other shit in the world tolerable. I try not to be an internet bitch. Does not always work, however.

There are two sides to any door you walk through, too. She's standing on both sides of mine at the same time.

Today I've just found a B&B I can go to that costs about the same amount I'm paying now.

It's in Jerusalem. Near the road to the suburbs.

And a one-way ticket on El Al costs almost exactly the same as a round-trip.

As Mike says: "Never close the door. On ANY possibility."

No surprises at all.

It's all been planned. Not by me, either.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
alexfiles
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:27 pm (UTC)
I hope you don't mind my responding to this - I didn't know your friend, but your posts make me wish I had. I don't want to offend.

People are complicated. My personal theory is that any given individual can be as good as they can be bad, and vice versa. If your internal compass lets you be a warm, compassionate soul, it holds the opposite as well, because you also know to a nicety how *not* to be that. You can see it in some actors who can play great good - they can also play great evil (Ben Kingsley and Laurence Olivier spring to mind). From what you've said here, it sounds like your friend experienced this within herself. It can be hard to bear once you notice it.

If you go to Jerusalem I will envy you. I would love to see Jerusalem.

Sometimes I buy round-trip instead of one-way because it's actually cheaper. Go figure.

I'm with your friend Mike on the possibilities. The moment you think you're in a one-choice-only situation, think twice, because you're missing something. There's *always* more than one option.
silverplate88
Aug. 4th, 2008 02:41 am (UTC)
I really <3 your icon here, Alex. And of course you can respond to anything you wish, you're my Friend ;) ... the only offense I'd feel is if you wanted to respond but were afraid of my reaction, so you held your pen! [or, keyboard.]

You came to me through Mia and she didn't know Kiota at all either, except distantly in cyberspace, and she and I got linked together into a group of five people, two of whom have departed and none of whom ever met any more than one of the others. This involves a miracle and two real-life gifts and you should get her to tell you about it! Once we were linked, we went on from there ;)

Some actors *are* that way in their offstage - offscreen lives too. Sinatra and Bing Crosby and Dean Martin, Hugh Grant and Herbert Khoury come immediately to mind, though I don't mean to suggest they are on the same level as Olivier and Kingsley artistically!

I'll get to Jerusalem driven by two personal, special reasons and the only mystery is how long I'll stay there, and that partially depends on what kind of open-return deal I'll be able to seal with El Al! Definitely not going as a tourist. For example, what tourist would want to go crawl around at the Central Jerusalem Bus Station to check out the metaphors and messages there?

I wrote about TINA theory: There Is No Alternative...you'll see if you poke around what I was writing 16 weeks ago. It's not my own theory, comes from pdocs. It's when TINA rules all your waking and sleeping moments that things get dangerous. It's the hardest act -- nigh unto impossible -- effectively to reach someone who says "I can't see this ever improving." A whole lot of us tried. Bottom line: never matters what WE could see, but what *she* cannot.

When you can see your victories only as failures, continuing becomes a non-option. That's why *how* you see becomes so very important ....
alexfiles
Aug. 4th, 2008 04:36 am (UTC)
The icon is a shot Bart (my husband) took of a cedar waxwing I was bringing out of shock after it hit a window in winter. Loves me the cedar waxwings :-)

I like the TINA anagram. I learned about the choice issue myself, the hard way. I've been in a place I saw no alternatives a few times, and afterward I realized that it was a sort of psychotic break (which can happen with extreme depression), a delusion.

I don't think it can happen again now that I'm armed with this knowledge, and the knowledge that even the worst state of mind is not permanent. If it weren't for these two facts, I'd be gone hundreds of times over; either a hermit in a cave, or just plain gone. It breaks my heart that some people don't have the opportunity or grace to learn that lesson.
silverplate88
Aug. 4th, 2008 06:09 am (UTC)
I couldn't tell that it was a bird but I could see the injury and feel the warmth of your hand cradle....

After Kiota departed I spent a very long time -- too long, in fact --- in my med libe going into suicidology [not a subject I'd ever studied before] and ran into Ed Shneidman of UCLA, and Thomas Joiner, who became a pro partly to search for answers to the suicide of his father [while Tom had been in med school in the South.] Shneidman spent 40 years + studying it and pioneered the terms "psychache" and TINA. So maybe there are a couple more names to arm you.

Two or three of us had the courage to tell her that we would support her decision and that we loved her enough to respect whatever that decision would be. And said so in her journal. I couldn't bring myself to write to her [or to tell her, face-to-face,] that I supported her decision for death, because I really didn't, and we made lots of plans that included light and hope, and these involved the part of her that was already almost dead. Except for a couple of hours on the day before she died, she hid that very well, how soon she was going, and I saw only light in her eyes, and that was what it was, only of a very different kind. A kind that I understand now.

But, I don't have any idea at all about how it feels to be in daily emotional pain for ten years and at the point of suicide for six of them. Nor to live with the fear that you are going crazy. How do you keep going that long with those burdens?

So who am I [or anybody] to say "I know how you feel." ? ? ..that's absurd. And I never said that to her.

And who wants to condemn someone you love to one more day of pain?

It gets especially poignant when there's the possibility that physical death is just another form of spiritual life, opening another door. My life with Ki after April 13 is so different and enthralling that it stretches and breaks any words apart that I might try to use to describe it.... as in, she's right "here" "watching" me talk with you. A presence that transcends a body.

I'm making a case for TINA when I *do* see alternatives all over the place. And I always have. I guess that's what a creative life in theatre or photography or writing does. It's visual and verbal magic and it's reinforcive of light everywhere in my life.

Especially here!

[Not that I've actually taken any pictures yet. But the card is loaded and everything is ready!]
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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