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Three months ago this morning she was buried in Israel. Home.

"I close my eyes
The lantern dies
The scent of awakening
Wild honey and dew

Childhood games
Woods and lakes
Streams of silver
Toys of olden days

Meadows of heaven

The flowers of wonder
and the hidden treasures
In the meadow of life
My acre of heaven
A five-year-old winter heart
In a place called home
Sailing the waves of past
Meadows of heaven

Rocking chair without a dreamer
A wooden swing without laughter
Sandbox without toy soldiers
Yuletide without the Flight
Dreambound for life

Flowers wither, treasures stay hidden
Until I see the first star of fall
I fall asleep
And see it all:
Mother's care
And color of the kites

Meadows of heaven,
Meadows of heaven.

anchorage unpainted
and a ship without a name
sea without a shore
for the banished one unheard
she lights the beacon, light at the end of the world
showing the way lighting the hope in their hearts
the ones on their travels homeward from afar

this is the long forgotten
light at the end of the world.

now her love's a memory
a ghost in the fog
she sets the sails one last time
saying farewell to the world
anchor to the water
seabed far below
grass still in her feet
and a smile beneath her brow

this is the long forgotten light at the end of the world ... (1)

"Give yourself as much time as you need to mourn your loved one's death. Don't listen to well-intentioned advice from people who urge you to "get on with your life" or to "let go of your loss." Only YOU know how long it takes to incorporate the suicide of someone you love into the everyday doings of your life. Grieving is a very personal and individualistic experience. We are all shaped by our past and the way in which we grew up...and so are the ways we mourn. You can create your own mourning rituals or traditions that will slowly give you solace and comfort and help you with your healing ..." (2)

"The funeral service was all in Hebrew, so I didn't understand any of it of course. A pastor gave a brief speech in English about Anna, regarding a Bible verse called 'The Suffering Prophet.' The gist of it was that some people are born with burdens more than they can carry, and death is the ultimate liberation from that prison of stress and torment. That she triumphed over the painful burden that was weighing her down by setting herself free.

The woman who had prepared her body for burial came up to me and told me that she looked so beautiful and peaceful, like an angel, like she was just sleeping." (3)

::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::

So. Remembering. Posting in my LJ and bringing the fire out of the past, not the ashes. For me, it's no longer about grieving both positives and negatives in a future that was erased on 13th April, but instead, finding direction and the energy to take up some of her dreams and help them materialize, bit by bit. It's eventually going to take me most of the way around the planet.

(1) = excerpts from two songs by Nightwish, a fave band of hers, "The Islander" and "Meadows of Heaven"; these are much more melodic and sweet than the rest of the album -- "Dark Passion Play." I altered the gender in Islander. (2) = from this great book I just bought, "Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss". (3) = from the memoir by Elizabeth Tedmon, a cousin living in Texas who flew to Israel with her Mom [Ki's aunt] for the ceremony. You can read the whole piece in her deviantArt account, I think it's still up.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
gothicotter
Jul. 19th, 2008 10:22 am (UTC)
Is this the same cousin that was so terrible to Anna?
silverplate88
Jul. 20th, 2008 02:45 am (UTC)
No. The two I know about:

Elizabeth Tedmon, who wrote the essay and may now have erased it. She did not like Anna one bit; "incredibly unpleasant to be around" was one of her milder comments. Going through the death and attending the funeral might have mellowed her a bit.

Jennifer Tedmon is the cousin "that was so terrible to Anna" ... and to all the rest of us, too. She flamed all of us as "online nobodies" and got into a great fury that some of us knew about April 13 before she did. At one time she threw Anna into a swimming pool [Anna was clothed and smoking a cig at the time], and deliberately disconnected her Internet access, it seems mostly to torment her and indicate her disapproval of Anna's online counseling and friendships and indeed anything Anna did online.

The two cousins live near one another in Texas.
lotus82
Jul. 19th, 2008 12:35 pm (UTC)
I remember Elizabeth from the funeral. She's a lovely girl, I wish we'd have met in different circumstances...
What's her dA?
silverplate88
Jul. 20th, 2008 02:33 am (UTC)
I think I'm misremembering this: her essay might have been posted in her cousin Jen's dA or in one of Anna's; if so, it's gone now, I just looked for it. I didn't footnote her essay, a shame, because it might have led you to her dA -- which she might not really have had at all but just used Jen's. You are mentioned in her writing, briefly. I transcribed the whole piece and I'd love to send you a copy if you want one.
For that matter, I didn't come across Jen's celebrated rant where she called us all "online nobodies" and threw a big fit about the fact that some of us knew before she did. Probably Jen got so much negative feedback from it that she erased that also.
lotus82
Jul. 20th, 2008 03:58 am (UTC)
I'd love to see that, thanks =)
silverplate88
Jul. 21st, 2008 12:41 am (UTC)
kk I think it's easiest as an Email attachment, I'll see if I have an addy for you or I'll PM you mine, here in your LJ box, and we'll do it!
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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kiota too late for the stars
silverplate88
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