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kiota and the 20 / 20 lens

My carrybag is getting fat with copies of entries from med books. It's my left brain exploring the ways to heal and to touch Kiota in a perpetual way.

One approach is that people who do it do not really want to end their lives at all. They just want to end the pain. And they conclude that nothing else will end the pain because they have "tried everything". Except that.

There's almost always a situational crisis. It says to Kiota and others, 'oh noes more crisis, now more pain in the future, then more crises, more pain, it's hopeless.'

And, because the strongest instinct we have besides sex is self-preservation, it's also common that suicidal people both want to die and want to live at the same time. One way this plays out -- and I cried to read about this -- is that people on the brink, and determined to go over this time, make appointments and plans for the future which they know they will never keep because they will be dead long before. Ki was all eager about Cambodia and made plans to come visit me in Texas, in the new apartment I'm setting up there: this would be in July after she came back from her trip. We talked about this at length on the last afternoon I was in Olympia.

Is this lying? No. It's the life wish talking, in place of the death wish. We did plenty of death-wish talking too. But that part of her which was life-affirming wanted these to be the last set of physically-there words I could take home in my heart.

You don't have to be 100% committed to taking your life. All that's required is 51%. Maybe less if you're impulsive. Which Ki was. What counted in her situational crises was not what was actually going on but how Ki PERCIEVED it, how it hit her. [Or, how she *wanted* it to hit her?] I'm coming to realize that I probably hurt her also, just in the sheer pleasure I took in meeting her classmates and poeple on-campus whom I found very friendly, and, in the case of Ki, very compassionate and concerned. When she saw this, she reacted with bewilderment. Maybe because I found it easier to make more friends in eight minutes than she had in eight months? Or because it clashed with her story of being impossibly isolated?

It's healing, in a reverse way, maybe, to see all this afterwards, when the eyes in your heart have 20 / 20 hindsight. I've gone away from "What if I had only done this? What if I had only done that? Why didn't I read all these books LAST month?" That's the kind of thing that does a lot of damage because you did what you did, and what you didn't, and you can't change it now. Or ever.

In 2003 Ki wrote in one of her public-to-us suicide notes: "My death cannot be reversed. I'm dead and that's that.

...but just remember, I'm not suffering anymore". There followed long pieces of advice for us to mourn and then to get over it and go on.

She was able to step back then.

She's a permanent beacon for us now and each of us will have others to help as she did. With life-wishes to offer.

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kiota too late for the stars
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Moonfire Marion Bridge / Brad

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