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they open from the side you're on

April 11, 2017. Tuesday. All day.
April 11, 2008. Friday. I left her via SEATAC, aboard the red-eye to Boston, then UVM. Left her VERY reluctantly...but, yes, it was time.

Overwhelmed. Emo drained.

Although I've been on campus multiple times since I moved here, today for the first time I visited again, precisely, the places where we went nine years ago. Foot by foot, chair wheel by wheel, the whole path. Pics, of course, will pub them later; not into the tech right now, just the afterglowies.

Discovered the curvy path to what was the Sem II Cafe, now it's Einstein's Bagels.

Nine years ago today, we got up, tripped through the libe computers, went over to the cafe'.

-"Don't turn around, pick up your cup and follow me right out that door.
-What?
-Max just came in, she's right behind you. DON'T TURN AROUND!
-But I wanna meet Max!'

But Ki was gone out the door, and with that tone of voice, I followed orders.

Then we sat on the steps outside and discussed Max..."What is this thing you have about Max? ?" and I explained that anybody so important to her was important to me also. More discussions about sex, the summer and beyond, Cambodia, the future, and other things, including her plan to ask Max if Max wanted to start dating again.

I was right back on those steps today... not able to sit down anymore, but lots of pics of the chair and virtual pics of the memories. The virtuals I always have with me, Ki wasn't sitting on the steps but yes indeed she was, and cuddling inside me all the time as well.

Me = lots of weeping. First time back at that spot on the very day and hour we had been there in 2008. Could barely take pics for the eyeMist. The actual sun was shining brightly, for once.

We walked over to her dorm... once more, just like then. But just like the cafe', her old dorm is gone too. Not the actual bldg 'e-dorm', but all the structures beyond 'd-dorm' have been interiorly-decorated into new living spaces; on the outer entry-balcony the outer door to e-307 is gone because e-307 does not exist anymore; her door e-309 has now become the door to the entire top floor up there. It's been repainted. I would bet "my tiny, tiny room" does not exist anymore either. The old bldgs are newly-called "MOD-HOUSING."

.... Reading all that, I see this is all fluff now, the only connections are to the very vivid VIVID memories.

However!

Max certainly DOES exist now, in fact atm she and I live only a single state apart instead of the whole country. I asked her last year if she wanted to meetup on campus but she said "It's way too hard, I'm still grieving." She has invited me to visit her in her new city, so we might be able to meetup over there, the travel is inexpensive and frequent.

Max was Anna's central and intense love-interest during the few months Ki was here as a first-year student.

When I got off the El Al jetliner in ISR in August 2008, the first thing I did was buy a Cat Stevens collection of songs, 3-CDs for fifteen euros (He goes back to the sixties and seventies, and he just toured the USA in 2015.) Several of his songs stay with me, here are the partial lyrics to one:

I'm not making love to anyone's wishes
only for that Guide I see...
Oh I know I'm on my way
to somewhere not so far from here:
Life is like a maze of doors,
They open from the side you're on...
Just keep pushing hard, grrl ---
Try as you may,
You're gonna wind up where you started from
You're gonna wind up where you started from


And this totally recalls a story from Rumi, the 13th-century Islamic mystical Sufi poet (Cat converted to Islam, changed his name to Yusuf Islam, now lives in London...)

One day a pilgrim came up to Rumi and said, "How do I open the door to God, in my life?"

Rumi answered, "It's easy. Just don't ever put up the frame into which to screw the hinges."

Blessings Be, on this day and all days.

If you're not able to tear down your doors, you could try Learning To Fly over them.

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