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an infinite tenderness

Yesterday was April 13, six years since the night Ki took her own life. This is the first year that the days of the week coincide with the numbers -- April 13, 2008 was also a Sunday. And it's the first year since 2008 that I've had a private apartment to provide a home for her writing and many of her photographs.

I was blessed to spend parts of that last week of her life, several days, on campus with her, sharing all she would offer me.

The mourners on her websites reached into the hundreds by that June: people from various places in the world whose lives had been touched and changed by her love and compassion and understanding -- not just LiveJournalers, those seeking her comfort on TeenHelp and on other sites.

Across these years, for me, the vividly deep darkness at the end of her life has lifted a bit, and her creative light has taken on all the colors of the spectrum (especially those we cannot see with our eyes.) Her spirit has always been with me, her hope and excitement, and I think part of that is simply because I have always been willing to welcome her into my heart with total freedom, she can come and go as she wills.

Tonight at sundown the observance of Passover 2014 starts. It's based on the story in Exodus, Chapter 12, about the Angel of Death; the basic themes are death and freedom. In Israel, Ki's funeral was held on Friday, April 18, 2008, in the morning near her home; that evening the observance of Passover 2008 started. Her close family will always have those two events etched into their hearts and I grieve for their loss also.

Ki wrote on July 31, 2007, from a happier place: "There is good in the world, and there is beauty in the world... I actually WANT to live. So. Hang on. It IS worth it in the end."

The title of this post is a line from the French lovestory "Blue is the Warmest Color", whose lead actress Adele was 18 during the filming, and who is dumped by her Lesbian lover, and who in the last scene walks alone down the street. They have broken up, and Adele is told:

"I feel an infinite tenderness for you. I always will. My whole life."

I could not say it with any more sincerity and love than this.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
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silverplate88
Apr. 17th, 2014 02:23 pm (UTC)
Especially when Ki is still so close to many of us, in many ways...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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kiota too late for the stars
silverplate88
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