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mourning and morning

The Dutch get English pronunciation majorly confused. These two words sound just like one another but mean two different things.

This morning, of course, is a unique Sunday. Sunday a year ago the sun skipped a beat and so did the hearts of a whole lot of us.

This morning I sat outside in the cold Dutch wind and watched a homeless guy with a guitar case paw through a waste can on a lightpole and then trudge up the street, on his way to an improv session with others, perhaps to a Salvation Army breakfast --- yes, the Dutch have that too, name's the same.

He was on the other side of the canal from me but of course he immediately brought back strong memories of Kiota's homeless family in downtown Olympia... they called her "our little sister" and told a middleclass dude "we're her bodyguards", she took their photos and was just starting a video project on interviewing some of them, particularly a girl rock musician whom she told me had given her a "strong" interview.

So a year later there was the virtual bridge for me across the canal and across time.

Ki means lots of different things to each one of us; she did then, she does now.

Thee's a sentence painted on my hostel wall that says "The more the words, the less the meaning." So if I choose the words that have endured, that stay, they would be--

Caring

Peace

Devotion

Hope

...where hope is what she didn't have any of, last night a year ago. Or she could not see any, which, as one of my Friends pointed out, is the same thing. If you don't see any options left open in your world to create, to realize yourself, to grow, to lessen your pain --- then there simply are not any, no matter what anyone tells you or how anyone tries to reach you. Prof or parent or Friend or shrink. Or, tutor.

Yes, there was also lying, viciousness, clinginess, despair; things that touched, even scarred some of you, scarred you deeply--- but these words were not part of the world I shared with her starting in 2005. They aren't now, either, so I just don't relate to those words.

There is a time for mourning, of course. There is also morning. Morning can bring rain, snow, sleet, heat, slate skies like this morning here --- one or all of the above.

But there *is* a sun up there. Stars, too. All the time. Somewhere, all the time.

So sometimes mourning and morning are both living right there in the same day. And if you don't any longer measure time by days, you know that some things are eternal.

I'll go for the light. Both mourning and morning have light in them but I think morning has a lot more. More is better.

Some of us are dedicating our lives to the outreach she was trying to do, even to finish. In our own personal worlds. Just to do what we can, and to be and become ourselves as we grow. And heal. And that is totally great.

No matter how many light bridges you see and feel, you have to start across them, maybe one step by another babystep. And you never have to do that alone.

Anyway, that's what she tells me.

Blessings Be.

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
rogue1717
Apr. 12th, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
I think she's a major reason for my push to take mediumship classes in Cassadaga. Partly a want to know she's ok now, partly to help others. She's making a bigger impact in my life NOW than she had before but I find it fitting. She felt she was lost but we've all found her now.
silverplate88
Apr. 22nd, 2009 12:54 pm (UTC)
"She's making a bigger impact in my life NOW than she had before but I find it fitting. She felt she was lost but we've all found her now."

Precisely. My words down to the smallest syllable, Roguey.

I started out to be her Mentor but it's Kiota who has been teaching me something new each of these days for... well, for *more* than a year, actually!
sidus_carmen
Apr. 12th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC)
Amen.
silverplate88
Apr. 14th, 2009 01:26 pm (UTC)
And to you both: we *have* all found her now, in new ways all the time, new day after new day, if we open our arms wide enough... our virtual arms, of course.

Here's the end of a post from one on her FriendsList, at this time a year ago:

"... She was ALWAYS willing to talk to people who needed her, helping others... She may be gone, but the positive impact and change that she made in the lives of many won't be."

And of course, that's prophetic.

That's how we've "found" her and that's how she may choose to stay with each of us, in our own personal way, that we might continue her work. In such ways, she will never be gone from *all* dimensions...

And, Roguey, your work in mediumship sounds SO potentially exciting! Please keep us updated :P
miafedup
Apr. 12th, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC)
It's been a year. Crazy.

Thanks for the gorgeous tribute.
silverplate88
Apr. 14th, 2009 01:29 pm (UTC)
One of the most beautiful tributes was one you wrote to her in 2005: "I'm so sorry, honey." About an issue she presented us with. I'm humbled, actually, to be moving on the same bridge with you.
redacted
Apr. 12th, 2009 06:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
silverplate88
Apr. 14th, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC)
Special from you... thanks have been passed on...
moonshined
Apr. 12th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)
thank you for this.
silverplate88
Apr. 14th, 2009 01:32 pm (UTC)
I didn't write it alone, of course...
(Deleted comment)
silverplate88
Apr. 14th, 2009 01:33 pm (UTC)
And sometimes it flies in a circle, even a set of spiral circles upward.

Thank you for being here, Mari.
kala_ayule
Apr. 13th, 2009 10:40 am (UTC)
Amazing to think how one year later, the world is still spinning. It's hard to accept how life moves on, even when it has stopped for others.
silverplate88
Apr. 14th, 2009 01:34 pm (UTC)
It moves on and it improves, is the message I get. Thank you for creating and being here all this year, Kala...
freakshownia
Apr. 15th, 2009 07:21 am (UTC)
I was thinking about her and I remembered all your kind words... I noticed you had already added me, so I added you back.
silverplate88
Apr. 15th, 2009 02:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you Nia. You were a special Friend then. You are now, too. I feel her sending you her love through me, right now as I type...
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )